32 Holiday Parties

Not in the mood to write about boys, my home life, or my boring work life. Since its prime time Christmas time- I'll write about the handful of holiday parties I've attended over the past month. Last year I was in Paris over Christmas, so this year I feel like I'm absorbing all the festivities. Never realized how many different outfits and dresses the month of December requires. I've had to recycle a dress or two and was the least bit happy about it.

My first holiday party was for my company and I decided to go balls to the wall out by buying an expensive sparkly dress and getting my hair done. Made some fun/bad decisions that make the work place less mudane now. All in all it was a great holiday party and the open bar is never a safe place to hang out.


White elephant gift exchanges are seriously a new all time favorite. I find myself bursting with laughter not knowing what each person is going to open up. Of course it sucks when some janky person steals the gift that was actually good, and you end up with a outfit for a wine bottle that actually has a hat. Who has time to think about that and who has time to actually put an outfit on a wine bottle? Like hey my wine bottle is freezing let me put this sweater and hat on it! Whatever, I cracked myself up when someone opened up my gift with the un intention of it being a rape kit. At the dollar store I started putting things in my bag super last minute and didnt realize a ski mask, mustache, ramen noodles, vaseline, and sungalssses could pass as a rape kit.

The cheese and desserts- OMG. I guess it's never a party unless there's four different flavors of cheese and crackers displayed. A bunch of cookies with majority being store bought from the last minute lazys like myself. It's seriously dangerous to hang out near the those fun filled tables. While at a party I have to have something in my had just in case an akward conversation comes up with a stranger so I mine as well stuff my face with those store bought cookies and cheese. Don't know if the appetizer tables or open bar is more of a danger zone...

With Christmas around the corner I'm very much excited to celebrate it with my family and friends. Of course my shopping isn't done, but why would it be when the only thing I know is procrasination? Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

The Throne

At 2010 Coachella I saw Jay-Z headline, and 2011 Coachella Kanye performed. Last night I had the pleasure of seeing them together perform at the Staples center. Can really only say it was an awesome, clean, smooth show. Nothing was overdone too much and the set stage was just right. They didn't have any guest appearances, but Kanye wasn't being too much of an asshole. Kanye wore a leather kilt which threw me off at first, and Jay-z rocked his NY Yankees hat. Great show, and well worth the expensive nose bleed prices.

Positive Lifestyle

Having a co-worker become a friend in the work zone really makes my work week that much more enjoyable. Today being a Tuesday was no typical day. I attended my first Toastmasters meeting and it couldn't of gone any better. Toastmasters is a club or organization that helps people with public speaking. Public speaking is always something that's fascinated me and something I want to become better at. I've always admired or been attracted to people who can hold the attention of a room or crowd. Everyone at the meeting was obviously older, but so down to earth and just real people.

One of the topics a speaker spoke about was the ability to dream and to dream with details and passion. It really hit home because I feel like I'm doing great in life, but need to have a specific goal. When I see things from afar with ever detail colored in, I feel like it's easier for me to get  there. Right now I'm all over the map and have a ton of resources and determination, but need the next kick to gear me in the right direction.

Traveling is something I'm passionate about and feel like it's the right time in my life to do. Like I've said publicly on facebook before..."I'm single, not knocked up, hate my job (only because I don't see advancement in the industry) and have a huge passion to travel."

There is one thing which gives radiance to everything. It is the idea of something around the corner.

- G. K. Chesterton

One night.

If it was wrong, then why did it feel so good? Everyone wants and needs to feel loved. It was like my dream came true, but waking up and realizing something else. Everythings so much prettier from far away or when its mysterious. The grass is always greener and will always be greener from the other side. It's crazy how something can get me so high at one moment in life, and the next day make me feel so low.

Little Big Thoughts

Everything I've done in my life half hearted has never worked out. If I do something to please anyone but myself, I'm only fooling myself. My only problem has been my head, my heart, and my gut feeling fighting each other on what to do. All I do know is that when I do things with passion, I'm truly happy and things just fall into place.

Soggy Oreo

Write about what? The borderline depressed melancholy mood I've been in for the past 3 weeks. The horrible feeling of this loneliness that I wish I could easily burn. The one question that someone has asked me that's shattered my life long dream? What should I write about? Well, my computer is on it's last leg. Pretty sure it had about 49 legs at one point though so that's good. The Dino isn't gonna make it to see December 2011 that's for sure. Guess when one's life feels like its crumbling, it has to be smashed. Just hope that when I start to put it back together that I do it right, and so far I've just been sulking in my own pain. Maybe this really is what depression feels like. I'm a straight up advertisement for Zoloft lately. My friends and family can see it all over my face that I just look sad and am. I feel like a soggy Oreo just sitting and drowning in day 4 old milk.

Search to fill the feeling.

A few years ago I closed my eyes and painted a picture of my most "perfect" man I would ideally want to be with. About 2 years later he came true!! But why do I feel so emotionally unfufilled? Or like something major is missing. Is it always gonna be the constant feeling of "I have what I wanted, now I want more?" For men, career goals, home life, physical appearance, anything really. Am I just someone who expects too much in life? Or if I don't get my way I freak the eff out? I really don't know, but I really can't stop thinking about it either. I find it absolute madness that how in one relationship someone can do something that you absolutely hated at the time, but in the next relationship you just wish that trait was there because it's so lacked. Maybe the prior relationship just sunk me in the deep end for good. Maybe I'm just crazy.

The 9-5 taste

I've been hustling the 8-5 Monday to Friday for the past 2 months now. Things are great, I have an income where I don't have to stress about paying my bills, and I can go shopping if I please. I know the wise decision would be to pay my student loans back soon as possible, but I know myself well enough to know I cannot not go shopping.

I love my job and start my position next week in the marketing department which I'm highly looking forward to. Since I tend to get bored of routine quickly a move to a new position came just in time. I feel like I've really succeeded at my postion and have received nothing but positive feedback from my co-workers and bosses.

All in all everythings great, but of course doesn't mean life is just perfect and I'm someone who can't complain. I have this fear that's just been slowly taking bites at me. Fear that I'm going to wake up one day 29 years-old and pregnant. Pregnant and have the realization that I've been working the typical 9-5 just to pay my bills. A life without any adventures or traveling. That's probably my biggest fear. It's so easy to say I will do it one day.

I could just be not used to coming home with nothing to do besides go workout which does get boring quickly. It sucks not being in school and learning something new. I've been reading a lot lately, but now thats even fading away. I have no plans to travel anywhere right now, but a trip to anywhere would make me so happy right now!

Sticks and Stones Break Bones But These Words Hurt Me

Decided I would do my weekly phone call to my Mother while sitting in traffic on the way home from work today. Figured it would keep my mind off getting annoyed by the everyday traffic on the 55, and boy that conversation sure did.

She had a sense of calm tone in her voice from the begenning of the conversation, but I assumed it was because the weather has been in tripple digits leaving just about everyone in not only heat that sucks the life out of you, but humity that could drain the patience and happiness out of everyone.

My Mom and I carried along with our usual casual conversation about work, how her visit to uncle Matt's was in Palm Springs. And how Kaela swam with all the gays and lesbians at the party and my mom forgot her camera to even take a picture of it. I can picture my sister at a pool party with a bunch of happy hyper gays who adore my rambunctious and energy infections 7 year-old little sister who thrives off the word poop and fart.

Then my Mom asked me if I had recently talked to Grammie.I had only for a few seconds about a week ago while making small talk while she was at the street fair. My Mom said, "Grammie has a tumor near her thyroid and finds out the results Tuesday at the doctors and she wants me to go with her." The words came out so fast I didn't have enough time to comprehend or react with any emotion. Can't even remember what I said or even that I was driving or where I was.

When in a panic or state of shock I'm usually very calm. It didn't hit me till minutes after I hung up the phone with my Mom that my Grandma could possibly have cancer. That's when the swelling of my throat tightened and it felt like when you're a kid and you want to cry, but don't want your classmates to make fun of you.

I couldn't help but let my thought process continue to the thought of losing my Grandma. I've been so blessed my entire life to have both grandparents around me while growing up. I've even had the chance to meet my Mom's biological parents making me feel as though I've had 6 grandparents. I've always felt so spoiled with love as a kid a still do. Fortunetly I haven't gone through the loss of a loved one, even my Mom hasn't yet.

I only hope and pray that everything will be alright, but mostly hope and pray that Grammie's handling it okay herself. If I know her correctly as I should since I've lived with her more than half my life, she's definately scared. The more I age, the more I'm aware that this is life. Nothing hurts more than words that say your loved ones state of health is at risk.

Meet Dug

Dug's my 2 by 1 inch plastic Valaptasouraus Dinosaur. He has a permanant snarl, wrinkly weathered skin, black large blotches all over his back legs and long pointy tail. He has the most amazing raptor toes that look like they could shank their prey to death. His two tiny arms look like they serve no purpose, but I'm sure they balance him in some way as well as help with his dance moves.

Dug and I go on adventures together. But in all honesty, Dug floats around in my purse and goes wherever I bring my purse along. Sometimes I'll be bored digging around for candy or gum, and out pops that snarly Duggy. This past week while on my lunch break, I've invited Dug to come along. We even experienced our very first turkey burger from Carl's Jr. I thought it was some grade A meat, but Dug insisted that fresh young bloody babies tasted better. Whatever, beggers can't be choosers.

I really like Dug for some reason. It's an unexplained infatuation that I just can't express nor want to. Maybe it's my fascination with Dino's. Something  that can't be reached. I'm always reaching for that intangible feeling or object or moment. Dug's a good listener and always keeps my secrets. Thanks Dug :)

Betwixt be gone

After a mental breakdown the previous week and horrible to say the least job interviews. I finally feel where I'm supposed to be or making progress in my life after graduation or as most refer to as "adult-life." Today was the first day of my 8 to 5 Mon to Friday "big girl" job and I feel like a new calm, matured person already. After work I sat in traffic, couldn't wait to rip of my own bra since it was twisted all day slightly irritating me every time I moved, prayed there was something good to make for dinner (there was..turkey grilled cheese and array of veggies). Then I headed to the gym and submersed myself in a book.

  

I guess my proud moment at work today was going to lunch with my manager and co-worker who is 20 years older than myself. We had casual conversation that flowed easily and he even made a comment about how Lady Gaga ripped off everything Madonna has done in the past. Being a loyal Madonna fan because my Mom is, this made me instantly think he was a cool dude and that I'm really gonna like working at my new job! So long days spent lounging in the sun, working out twice a day just to feel productive, and eating all day on the couh. So happy that mini chapter is over and I'm excited to start this new one.

Ultimate ex love song

Horizontal

For those people who get to wake up Monday-Friday to their alarm clock and head to work I consider lucky. But those who have to do it envy my current lifestyle of staying at home all day in the horizontal position. It's been two weeks since I've been not working and I'm about to have a mental break down. I can't handle these lazy days full of tanning, working out twice a day, going on beach cruises through the circle, tumblring all day, and opening the fridge about 15 times a day to see if anything magically yummy appeared. I just re-read that sentence, and hot damn maybe I do have it made. Maybe if being a stay at home mom was my ultimate goal in life. The past 4 years of my life have always been on the go and never a dull moment, I think its my lifestyle is rejecting these dull moments and creating myself to freak out. Maybe its just a natural life after graduation freak out. Whatever it is, I know I need and want to start working asap. And a soon as that happens if it's not something I'm passionate about I'm gonna wish I was in my horizontal position being a waste of space. I'm wanting this next chapter in my life to start, but don't know where to start.

Middle

The middle of the week, the middle of the month of July, and the middle of a breaking point in my so called circling reoccurring thought process. Fresh out of college with a degree in Communications that I hold to my own degree of a big pat on the back. Good-job Candace, but what's next? There's always the question of what's next after a big accomplishment. I've been going to school since I've been 5 years-old. Of course it's only natural to feel out of my comfort zone of what to do with the rest of my life. Go back to school? no, so over spending money on that. Although I do appreciate and love education. Get a 9-5 job that pays the bills just to ease my mind for the mean time? Nope, I know I can picture myself 6 months from now bored and pissed at myself. Or go big, and start my adventure in one of my life long goals. Travel, Write, and get paid to do both. The only thing that's stopping me is one of the most common emotions around the world, FEAR. Fear of not being good enough, fear of being made fun of, fear of not being able to achieve my long term goals. I'm beginning to map out in my head what I really want to do career wise the rest of my life, but my hardest part is getting started. Isn't that always the hardest part though?