Little Big Thoughts

Everything I've done in my life half hearted has never worked out. If I do something to please anyone but myself, I'm only fooling myself. My only problem has been my head, my heart, and my gut feeling fighting each other on what to do. All I do know is that when I do things with passion, I'm truly happy and things just fall into place.

Soggy Oreo

Write about what? The borderline depressed melancholy mood I've been in for the past 3 weeks. The horrible feeling of this loneliness that I wish I could easily burn. The one question that someone has asked me that's shattered my life long dream? What should I write about? Well, my computer is on it's last leg. Pretty sure it had about 49 legs at one point though so that's good. The Dino isn't gonna make it to see December 2011 that's for sure. Guess when one's life feels like its crumbling, it has to be smashed. Just hope that when I start to put it back together that I do it right, and so far I've just been sulking in my own pain. Maybe this really is what depression feels like. I'm a straight up advertisement for Zoloft lately. My friends and family can see it all over my face that I just look sad and am. I feel like a soggy Oreo just sitting and drowning in day 4 old milk.

Search to fill the feeling.

A few years ago I closed my eyes and painted a picture of my most "perfect" man I would ideally want to be with. About 2 years later he came true!! But why do I feel so emotionally unfufilled? Or like something major is missing. Is it always gonna be the constant feeling of "I have what I wanted, now I want more?" For men, career goals, home life, physical appearance, anything really. Am I just someone who expects too much in life? Or if I don't get my way I freak the eff out? I really don't know, but I really can't stop thinking about it either. I find it absolute madness that how in one relationship someone can do something that you absolutely hated at the time, but in the next relationship you just wish that trait was there because it's so lacked. Maybe the prior relationship just sunk me in the deep end for good. Maybe I'm just crazy.

The 9-5 taste

I've been hustling the 8-5 Monday to Friday for the past 2 months now. Things are great, I have an income where I don't have to stress about paying my bills, and I can go shopping if I please. I know the wise decision would be to pay my student loans back soon as possible, but I know myself well enough to know I cannot not go shopping.

I love my job and start my position next week in the marketing department which I'm highly looking forward to. Since I tend to get bored of routine quickly a move to a new position came just in time. I feel like I've really succeeded at my postion and have received nothing but positive feedback from my co-workers and bosses.

All in all everythings great, but of course doesn't mean life is just perfect and I'm someone who can't complain. I have this fear that's just been slowly taking bites at me. Fear that I'm going to wake up one day 29 years-old and pregnant. Pregnant and have the realization that I've been working the typical 9-5 just to pay my bills. A life without any adventures or traveling. That's probably my biggest fear. It's so easy to say I will do it one day.

I could just be not used to coming home with nothing to do besides go workout which does get boring quickly. It sucks not being in school and learning something new. I've been reading a lot lately, but now thats even fading away. I have no plans to travel anywhere right now, but a trip to anywhere would make me so happy right now!

Sticks and Stones Break Bones But These Words Hurt Me

Decided I would do my weekly phone call to my Mother while sitting in traffic on the way home from work today. Figured it would keep my mind off getting annoyed by the everyday traffic on the 55, and boy that conversation sure did.

She had a sense of calm tone in her voice from the begenning of the conversation, but I assumed it was because the weather has been in tripple digits leaving just about everyone in not only heat that sucks the life out of you, but humity that could drain the patience and happiness out of everyone.

My Mom and I carried along with our usual casual conversation about work, how her visit to uncle Matt's was in Palm Springs. And how Kaela swam with all the gays and lesbians at the party and my mom forgot her camera to even take a picture of it. I can picture my sister at a pool party with a bunch of happy hyper gays who adore my rambunctious and energy infections 7 year-old little sister who thrives off the word poop and fart.

Then my Mom asked me if I had recently talked to Grammie.I had only for a few seconds about a week ago while making small talk while she was at the street fair. My Mom said, "Grammie has a tumor near her thyroid and finds out the results Tuesday at the doctors and she wants me to go with her." The words came out so fast I didn't have enough time to comprehend or react with any emotion. Can't even remember what I said or even that I was driving or where I was.

When in a panic or state of shock I'm usually very calm. It didn't hit me till minutes after I hung up the phone with my Mom that my Grandma could possibly have cancer. That's when the swelling of my throat tightened and it felt like when you're a kid and you want to cry, but don't want your classmates to make fun of you.

I couldn't help but let my thought process continue to the thought of losing my Grandma. I've been so blessed my entire life to have both grandparents around me while growing up. I've even had the chance to meet my Mom's biological parents making me feel as though I've had 6 grandparents. I've always felt so spoiled with love as a kid a still do. Fortunetly I haven't gone through the loss of a loved one, even my Mom hasn't yet.

I only hope and pray that everything will be alright, but mostly hope and pray that Grammie's handling it okay herself. If I know her correctly as I should since I've lived with her more than half my life, she's definately scared. The more I age, the more I'm aware that this is life. Nothing hurts more than words that say your loved ones state of health is at risk.

Meet Dug

Dug's my 2 by 1 inch plastic Valaptasouraus Dinosaur. He has a permanant snarl, wrinkly weathered skin, black large blotches all over his back legs and long pointy tail. He has the most amazing raptor toes that look like they could shank their prey to death. His two tiny arms look like they serve no purpose, but I'm sure they balance him in some way as well as help with his dance moves.

Dug and I go on adventures together. But in all honesty, Dug floats around in my purse and goes wherever I bring my purse along. Sometimes I'll be bored digging around for candy or gum, and out pops that snarly Duggy. This past week while on my lunch break, I've invited Dug to come along. We even experienced our very first turkey burger from Carl's Jr. I thought it was some grade A meat, but Dug insisted that fresh young bloody babies tasted better. Whatever, beggers can't be choosers.

I really like Dug for some reason. It's an unexplained infatuation that I just can't express nor want to. Maybe it's my fascination with Dino's. Something  that can't be reached. I'm always reaching for that intangible feeling or object or moment. Dug's a good listener and always keeps my secrets. Thanks Dug :)

Betwixt be gone

After a mental breakdown the previous week and horrible to say the least job interviews. I finally feel where I'm supposed to be or making progress in my life after graduation or as most refer to as "adult-life." Today was the first day of my 8 to 5 Mon to Friday "big girl" job and I feel like a new calm, matured person already. After work I sat in traffic, couldn't wait to rip of my own bra since it was twisted all day slightly irritating me every time I moved, prayed there was something good to make for dinner (there was..turkey grilled cheese and array of veggies). Then I headed to the gym and submersed myself in a book.

  

I guess my proud moment at work today was going to lunch with my manager and co-worker who is 20 years older than myself. We had casual conversation that flowed easily and he even made a comment about how Lady Gaga ripped off everything Madonna has done in the past. Being a loyal Madonna fan because my Mom is, this made me instantly think he was a cool dude and that I'm really gonna like working at my new job! So long days spent lounging in the sun, working out twice a day just to feel productive, and eating all day on the couh. So happy that mini chapter is over and I'm excited to start this new one.