write drunk edit sober. I am def not sober.

once again that same feeling...being at the bar grossed out by all the grossness around you. like youre at the bar and your scum on the wall. so over going to the fucking bar once again. and ive had this exact same feeling and started having a bf just because i wanted to avoid this feeling. but then the feeling with the boyfriend was a eeling i real;ized that was never there. always trying to fill a void. Yes im happy, but yes i feel like ive always been seraching and always will be searching for something more fufillinlg. I've had moments where i feel completely entirely happy with myself and where i feel totally lost. I dont feel lost but I def do not feel fufilled. have very little expections for men. Would love to be a mom, one day, but would want entirely to make a beaufitul family. nothing last forever and that swhat scares the shit out of me.


life is full of phases and ups and downs or at least mine is for sure. like i told one of my best guy friends tonight "dont fake the funk, and dont make too much effort in a place you dont mean to. " idk

guess my current state of life has tripped me ot in a way that "oh the places youll go and th people youll lmeet" ive met so many "new people" in the last 2 months it is absolute crazy. the whole gotye song "now your just somebody that i used to know " stuck a dagger in my heart when i broke up with joey, i realized wow what hurts the most is that people mean so much to eacho ther at one point in their life and with a switch its just somebody that yo used to know......the pople in your life stick who are meant to be there. ive let some people or a person stick in my life for way longer than welcome. its brought nothing but negative into my life, but for some reason i just like to let that little bit of negative shine it. to make myself feel better about myself? because i really thought htat person knew me better than ayone else in the world? because that person abused me and has a spell over me? idk and will never know but i have so muhc built up anger towards not that person but myself for letting that person break me down so hard. 

Cloud 9

Either too much lack of sleep or my head really is floating in cloud nine. It's one of the best and worst feelings in the world. Excited to want more of someone, and scared at the same time since I always expect the best and don't want to get my hopes up. I can't stop listening to the new Katy Perry song. I feel like a tween teeny popper, but I like it. 

Girlfriend: I can't decide if I want to be with someone just as crazy as me or someone who will mellow me out.

Me: I've done both, and wanted the opposite both times.

GF: We're fucked.

Me: Seriously fucked

Later 2011

Felt as though 2011 really wasn't too crazy. Graduating college was my number one accomplishment as well as getting a full-time job. I guess I can put being in a healthy relationship up there even though it didn't work out in the long run.

• Coachella 2011 was fun with Jessie and Sammee
• Stagecoach - can't believe I gave country a chance, but sure glad I did! 
• Graduated from Cal State Fullerton
• 5th month working full-time trying to pay my student loans off
• Dated Joey- he was coo, had really good taste in clothes and we didn't fight.
• Okkervil River and Morgan Page
• Bought myself a flat screen TV...haha don't think its an accomplishment but I sure as hell love it
• My first day of 2011 was pretty damn memorable - train ride to SD
• Saw Kayne and Jay-Z perform together. 
• First year since 21 that I haven't partied in Vegas 
• Met cool people. . . 
• Healthy and so is my family. 

As always excited for the future, cheers to 2012!!