write drunk edit sober. I am def not sober.

once again that same feeling...being at the bar grossed out by all the grossness around you. like youre at the bar and your scum on the wall. so over going to the fucking bar once again. and ive had this exact same feeling and started having a bf just because i wanted to avoid this feeling. but then the feeling with the boyfriend was a eeling i real;ized that was never there. always trying to fill a void. Yes im happy, but yes i feel like ive always been seraching and always will be searching for something more fufillinlg. I've had moments where i feel completely entirely happy with myself and where i feel totally lost. I dont feel lost but I def do not feel fufilled. have very little expections for men. Would love to be a mom, one day, but would want entirely to make a beaufitul family. nothing last forever and that swhat scares the shit out of me.


life is full of phases and ups and downs or at least mine is for sure. like i told one of my best guy friends tonight "dont fake the funk, and dont make too much effort in a place you dont mean to. " idk

guess my current state of life has tripped me ot in a way that "oh the places youll go and th people youll lmeet" ive met so many "new people" in the last 2 months it is absolute crazy. the whole gotye song "now your just somebody that i used to know " stuck a dagger in my heart when i broke up with joey, i realized wow what hurts the most is that people mean so much to eacho ther at one point in their life and with a switch its just somebody that yo used to know......the pople in your life stick who are meant to be there. ive let some people or a person stick in my life for way longer than welcome. its brought nothing but negative into my life, but for some reason i just like to let that little bit of negative shine it. to make myself feel better about myself? because i really thought htat person knew me better than ayone else in the world? because that person abused me and has a spell over me? idk and will never know but i have so muhc built up anger towards not that person but myself for letting that person break me down so hard. 

Cloud 9

Either too much lack of sleep or my head really is floating in cloud nine. It's one of the best and worst feelings in the world. Excited to want more of someone, and scared at the same time since I always expect the best and don't want to get my hopes up. I can't stop listening to the new Katy Perry song. I feel like a tween teeny popper, but I like it. 

Girlfriend: I can't decide if I want to be with someone just as crazy as me or someone who will mellow me out.

Me: I've done both, and wanted the opposite both times.

GF: We're fucked.

Me: Seriously fucked

Later 2011

Felt as though 2011 really wasn't too crazy. Graduating college was my number one accomplishment as well as getting a full-time job. I guess I can put being in a healthy relationship up there even though it didn't work out in the long run.

• Coachella 2011 was fun with Jessie and Sammee
• Stagecoach - can't believe I gave country a chance, but sure glad I did! 
• Graduated from Cal State Fullerton
• 5th month working full-time trying to pay my student loans off
• Dated Joey- he was coo, had really good taste in clothes and we didn't fight.
• Okkervil River and Morgan Page
• Bought myself a flat screen TV...haha don't think its an accomplishment but I sure as hell love it
• My first day of 2011 was pretty damn memorable - train ride to SD
• Saw Kayne and Jay-Z perform together. 
• First year since 21 that I haven't partied in Vegas 
• Met cool people. . . 
• Healthy and so is my family. 

As always excited for the future, cheers to 2012!! 

32 Holiday Parties

Not in the mood to write about boys, my home life, or my boring work life. Since its prime time Christmas time- I'll write about the handful of holiday parties I've attended over the past month. Last year I was in Paris over Christmas, so this year I feel like I'm absorbing all the festivities. Never realized how many different outfits and dresses the month of December requires. I've had to recycle a dress or two and was the least bit happy about it.

My first holiday party was for my company and I decided to go balls to the wall out by buying an expensive sparkly dress and getting my hair done. Made some fun/bad decisions that make the work place less mudane now. All in all it was a great holiday party and the open bar is never a safe place to hang out.


White elephant gift exchanges are seriously a new all time favorite. I find myself bursting with laughter not knowing what each person is going to open up. Of course it sucks when some janky person steals the gift that was actually good, and you end up with a outfit for a wine bottle that actually has a hat. Who has time to think about that and who has time to actually put an outfit on a wine bottle? Like hey my wine bottle is freezing let me put this sweater and hat on it! Whatever, I cracked myself up when someone opened up my gift with the un intention of it being a rape kit. At the dollar store I started putting things in my bag super last minute and didnt realize a ski mask, mustache, ramen noodles, vaseline, and sungalssses could pass as a rape kit.

The cheese and desserts- OMG. I guess it's never a party unless there's four different flavors of cheese and crackers displayed. A bunch of cookies with majority being store bought from the last minute lazys like myself. It's seriously dangerous to hang out near the those fun filled tables. While at a party I have to have something in my had just in case an akward conversation comes up with a stranger so I mine as well stuff my face with those store bought cookies and cheese. Don't know if the appetizer tables or open bar is more of a danger zone...

With Christmas around the corner I'm very much excited to celebrate it with my family and friends. Of course my shopping isn't done, but why would it be when the only thing I know is procrasination? Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

The Throne

At 2010 Coachella I saw Jay-Z headline, and 2011 Coachella Kanye performed. Last night I had the pleasure of seeing them together perform at the Staples center. Can really only say it was an awesome, clean, smooth show. Nothing was overdone too much and the set stage was just right. They didn't have any guest appearances, but Kanye wasn't being too much of an asshole. Kanye wore a leather kilt which threw me off at first, and Jay-z rocked his NY Yankees hat. Great show, and well worth the expensive nose bleed prices.

Positive Lifestyle

Having a co-worker become a friend in the work zone really makes my work week that much more enjoyable. Today being a Tuesday was no typical day. I attended my first Toastmasters meeting and it couldn't of gone any better. Toastmasters is a club or organization that helps people with public speaking. Public speaking is always something that's fascinated me and something I want to become better at. I've always admired or been attracted to people who can hold the attention of a room or crowd. Everyone at the meeting was obviously older, but so down to earth and just real people.

One of the topics a speaker spoke about was the ability to dream and to dream with details and passion. It really hit home because I feel like I'm doing great in life, but need to have a specific goal. When I see things from afar with ever detail colored in, I feel like it's easier for me to get  there. Right now I'm all over the map and have a ton of resources and determination, but need the next kick to gear me in the right direction.

Traveling is something I'm passionate about and feel like it's the right time in my life to do. Like I've said publicly on facebook before..."I'm single, not knocked up, hate my job (only because I don't see advancement in the industry) and have a huge passion to travel."

There is one thing which gives radiance to everything. It is the idea of something around the corner.

- G. K. Chesterton